I'm a Soccer Mom

Well, it's official. I'm a true soccer mom (sans mini-van).

The soccer season started last week and my older son had his first game on Saturday. He looked so grown up in his uniform and cleats. I mean, I thought he looked so much older when I saw him off to his first day of school last week, but the shiny green jersey with the white #11 on the back - well, all his little boyness disappeared (possibly) forever.

He did great. It was organized chaos really, but he had lots of fun. It was great watching him interact with other kids and adults he didn't really know without my help. Time is flying by and even though I say I'm going to try and experience every moment, I find myself constantly amazed at how quickly things are changing and always feeling like I've missed so much.

But back to me . . . My son had practice tonight and I loaded up the car with water bottles, soccer ball, etc. and we headed to the field. He ran right out to his team when we got there and my younger son and I proceeded to kick the ball around off to the side. My little one got tired and so I went and got the two fold up chairs that I now keep permanently in the back of my car and it occurred to me - I have chairs in the back of my car; chairs to watch my son's soccer games and practices; I'm at soccer practice - I'm a soccer mom.

I looked around at all the kids running around, at all the parents on their blankets or sitting in their own woven, fold up chairs and I realized that I've become a "real" parent. Not that getting up in the middle of the night for feedings didn't count. Not that managing two kids in a toy store wasn't a wake up call. Not that doing homework didn't make me feel parentish. But tonight was one of those moments when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I am a parent - like my own parents who I still see through the eyes of a child - and it's crazy to think that I am that responsible, that old, that grown up.

So I came home and decided to have cookie dough ice cream for dinner. Where does that fall in the world of responsible parenting?

Father's Are Important, Too

Happy Father's Day to the best dad two boys could have . . . Thank you for teaching by example, for giving us the best you have even when you're tired and overworked and for showing our boys how to respect and treat a woman by the way you love and care for me :)
I love you.

*****************

Dad, I'm glad to hear that George is still kicking. I was reminiscing today about all kinds of things . . . Indian Princesses . . . UNO games (Poor Uncle Jay) . . . Saturday morning cartoons . . . Nightmare Gallery (was that what it was called?) . . . Learning to drive . . . Your rescue mission to Paris . . . Thank you for everything. I miss you. I love you.

I'm still a daddy's girl at heart ;)

Not Sad :)

The wedding was beautiful . . . The bride was stunning, of course (I can't believe my baby sister is all growed up!) . . .


And my boys (and nephew on the left) were dapper in their tuxedos . .

I actually didn't cry on the big day. I was just too happy. Not only for my sister who is starting a whole new part of her life, but I'm happy to be (finally) getting the brother I always wanted!!!

The weather was clear, warm and full of sunshine. I took SO MANY photos (probably trying to make up for what I lost the night before), but haven't had time to download them off the camera yet.

It's been great having some of my family up visiting as well. My sister, nephew and niece have been at my house daily (much to my sons' enjoyment, and mine, too!) and my dad was able to make it to my house and see where we're living now. It's basically been a week full of activity and fun and it was so hard to go back to work on Monday.

But things are slowly settling back to "normal" and our routine is slowly making its comeback. It's kind of like Christmas - you look forward to the big day all year and then it's over in a flash.

Congratulations Kelly and Nick!!!

Sad

As if I wasn't emotional enough . . .

I got this great new camera. I've been playing with it so that I can take great pictures tomorrow at my sister's wedding. I went to the rehearsal dinner tonight and got lots of good stuff with it. I was loving my new camera until just now . . .

When I accidentally erased every picture I had taken . . .

Now I'm upset . . .

And I can't stop thinking about it . . .

I'm getting mad . . .

And I'm sad because there were photos from the first night my other sister was at my house with her kids . . . There were pictures of my niece and nephew and sons playing together . . . And my younger son running down the "aisle" tonight at the rehearsal . . . and a really great picture of my older son and my husband (neither one with a goofy smile) . . . and my niece sleeping on her mother's shoulder . . . and a picture of me and my sisters - together - like we haven't been in such a long time . . .

Now, I'm sad.

Random Quotes

I was just looking through my writing journal (where I keep all kinds of prompts and words of inspiration for when the mood strikes me) and I found a few things I just had to share. (I've updated some of the prompts on my website, btw, if you're interested.)

• "Let your life be a counter friction to stop the machine." --- Henry David Thoreau, Civil Disobedience
• "For it matters not how small the beginning may seem to be: what is once well done is done forever." --- Thoreau, Civil Disobedience
• "I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see." --- John Burroughs
• "Their most destructive untruth is that it is easy for any American to make money. They will not acknowledge how in fact hard money is to come by, and therefore, those who have no money blame and blame and blame themselves. This inward blame has been a treasure for the rich and powerful, who have had to do less for their poor, publicly and privately, than any other ruling class since, say, Napoleonic times." --- A propaganda officer, and former U.S. citizen, for the German Army during WWII referring to American culture in Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five
• "Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops." --- Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

I think that's enough to chew on for now. Please leave comments on anything that strikes you. My personal favorite of the moment is the final Vonnegut quote. There's just something so poignant about the observation. My heart actually jumped a bit when I read it. (Isn't it great when a piece of writing can do that to you? Literally stop you in your tracks?)

My sister and her kids have arrived yesterday afternoon for the big wedding this weekend and the fun has already begun :) And I must get back to it . . .

Family

Well, I don't usually do this but here is the post I wrote last night for my weekly reflection over at my other website. My (baby) sister is getting married this weekend and so you properly assess that I am a bit emotional. I've been thinking about seeing her for the first time in the hospital nursery; about arguing with my other sister over who was going to help my mother give her a bath or, yes, even change her diaper. I've been thinking about a lot of things as she gets ready to start the greatest journey of her life in promising to share a life with someone else.

I'll keep the sappiness down to a minimum (that will be for the letter I'm writing her personally) but the feelings I've been having made me think of the following quote and the following is what came out of my heart.

So good luck Kelly and Nick . . . We ALL love you and will help you in any way we can both before and after you become Mr. and Mrs. Starting your own family is a lot of work and takes a lot of compromise and you'll have plenty of disagreements, but I haven't found anything else that makes me so happy and I wish the same for the both of you.

So here is the entry that you two have inspired:


"The family you come from isn't as important as the family you're going to have." --- Ring Lardner

Family comes first; Blood is thicker than water; Family is your greatest support in times of difficulty and your biggest fan when you succeed - so the greeting cards read.

We are born, with any luck, into a family headed by two strong parents who love one another. By watching our parents interact we learn about love - love for our brothers and sisters and future children, romantic love and most importantly a love of ourselves. Our parents do their best to instill in us a sense of should and should nots, respect for others and the very Earth we inhabit, a sense of responsibility for not just our own personal actions, but for the actions of people we choose to spend time with, a thirst for knowledge and education - our parents, in fact, teach us to be human.

That's quite a tall order to fill.

Many parents find themselves overwhelmed with the responsibilities of raising a child at one time or another. Some parents find themselves unable to fill the role from the beginning and choose to give their child to someone else better prepared. And still others don't know what to do and so stumble along, unassisted, and just do the best they can knowing that it might not be enough.

No matter how hard they try, parents are not perfect. They make plenty of mistakes and their children, whether intentional or not, will have scars from those mistakes and those things which just couldn't be anticipated. It is impossible for children to go unaffected by divorce, death, neglect, over-indulgence, etc. Yet, scars don't have to be a bad thing. After all, scars are the remembrance that a previous hurt or injury has now healed. A scar can be a reminder.

And so, if you worry about the family you come from; if you find it necessary to seek help in dealing with the past you share with your loved ones; if you find that your family isn't as supportive as you'd like or they're always finding a way to influence your personal decisions - remember that the most important thing you can do is to choose the right partner, when the time comes, for you to build a life with outside of your previous familial cocoon. The right partner provides you with the chance for a new beginning.

Find the person who will compliment your weaknesses with their strengths.

Find the person who you want to fall asleep next to every night and wake up before in the morning just to watch them sleeping.

Find the person whose little ticks and habits don't annoy you to the point of wishing them dead.

Find the person who believes, as you do, that love and time are the most important things you can give a child.

Find the person, not who makes you feel complete (you should already feel that way before you even start looking), but who provides you with a different perspective and experience through which you may view yourself and the world.

Find the person who when you are working on an endless project at work, getting no help or praise for the extra hours and effort you're putting in, who when you go outside at the end of the day to a flat tire and no spare and it starts to rain will come to your aid (with a tire or a tow truck) and while your soaking wet and angry will hug you and kiss you and suggest a long, hot shower when you get home.

Find someone who makes your heart sing, especially when it doesn't want to, and take that person's hand and walk together into the great unknown. It's a risk - the greatest risk you can ever take really - but it also provides the greatest rewards.

Mother's Day

I had planned an elaborate, well-thought out Mother's Day post that would honor mothers everywhere. I had planned to do some research about the beginnings of Mother's Day and talk about what it has evolved into. I had planned . . .

Instead, as my tribute to mothers everywhere, I did something that most mothers do daily - I ran out of the time and energy to put together what I had previously planned to do.

So I will be enjoying a simple, quiet Mother's Day working in my backyard with my husband and my two sons. I will enjoy a quiet dinner and evening and will maybe even get some reading in before I sit in front of the television tonight for my weekly indulgence of "Desperate Housewives" and "Brothers and Sisters." And then I will quietly drift off to sleep (probably with a child in my bed next to me.)

Here's wishing the rest of you moms out there a pleasant, safe, relatively quiet, without sibling squabbles and whining, Mother's Day during which I hope you can find some time to yourself where you can just be you - while receiving chocolate and flowers, too :)

Peace

Two of My Boys

My entry for this week's Mama Says Om theme: Peace. Looking at this picture puts me in a place where I can forget all about my responsibilities and the crazy, messed up world we live in.

It brings me peace.

Feels Like Home

My precious mantle

With every passing day our new house is feeling more and more like home. I was telling people the first couple of weeks that while I loved it it felt like we were staying in someone else's house - like renting a house on vacation. But we've unpacked most of the boxes (and what remains to be unpacked is hidden away in closets), we've started to hang things on the walls and put pictures on tables and shelves - but last night's festivities really made this house feel like a home.

My husband's parents host a weekly Sunday night dinner. We don't attend every week, but it's one of those things that you know is there if you feel like stopping by. Well, we decided to host Sunday dinner at our house last night and invite his entire family (which isn't small, btw!) Everyone was able to make it except for one sister who had to work, but they'll be over this week.

It was a total success. My husband cooked an amazing meal of spaghetti and (homemade)meatballs and sauce. There were appetizers. There was a dessert. There was wine. We had good conversation. The kids were playing without any major meltdowns or fights. And best of all everyone had good things to say about our home :)

It just felt so good to host a gathering again. We hadn't done it in quite a while because, frankly, we were embarrassed by our apartment. The 1970's wallpaper, the permanently stained brown (supposed to be white) linoleum in the kitchen, the flooring in the bathroom held down by duct tape, the washer in the pantry and the dryer in the kitchen . . . We just weren't all that excited about having people over. So it was so nice last night to not only play host to our family, but to be proud of the house that we now call home.

I LOVE this house. I really do. I feel blessed to have found it. I've always felt lucky for all the wonderful things and people I have in my life, but tonight I feel extra blessed, as I have for the last three weeks.

P.S. Another one of my homeowner dreams came true yesterday. While we were getting ready for everyone to come over last night our neighbor stopped by to introduce herself. (I wish I had been more presentable since I was still unshowered because I was cleaning floors and such, but even dreams aren't always perfect) She has a little girl about my younger son's age and has invited us to come over this summer to swim in the pool. We talked about the neighborhood (especially how quiet it is!) and she gave us the lowdown on a few of our other neighbors.

It was just how I always wanted it to be. People coming over and introducing themselves. Someone waved to me the other day while I was pulling out of the street and they were pulling onto it. Someone else said hello when we were getting out of the car the other day. You know, a REAL neighborhood.

We're going to make a lot of wonderful memories here. I just know it.

Acceptance or Simply Rambling, I'm Not Really Sure

The theme over at Mama Says Om this week is "Acceptance," and after the day I've had it couldn't be more appropriate.

At around 10 a.m. this morning I got a phone call from my mom. Now, I'm one of those people who uses caller ID at all times and have even assigned certain ringtones for certain people so that I don't even have to look at my phone to know who it is. Well, I was covered with two cuddling boys this morning while I lay on the couch, and I figured she was calling about coming over tomorrow, so I let the voicemail pick up.

Sure enough, she had left a message, but I forgot all about the call for about an hour or so . . . I wish I hadn't - forgotten about it, let the voicemail pick up, screened it . . . I should have picked up the phone because my mother was hysterical. Hysterical in the sense that I couldn't understand most of the words coming out of her mouth because she sounded as if she was having trouble catching her breath as she sobbed.

I caught my name . . . then "your aunt called me" . . . then "Grandma" . . . lots and lots of sobbing . . . then "I have to go today, I'm going today" . . . "Call me."

A little backstory. My grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer probably six or seven years ago. She had a mastectomy, she did the radiation treatments and she went into remission. She stayed that way until about six or seven months ago when she started having severe pain in her shoulder. Sure enough, the cancer was back and it had spread. The doctors did their best to manage her pain, she was forced to move into an assisted living community in November and then hospice care just a few weeks ago. It was then that they told us she probably had six months to live.

My grandmother has been having nightmares about dying, specifically dying alone. She has panic attacks in the middle of the night because of her fear. And I think she's been fighting her disease not because she wants to continue to live, but because she's so afraid of dying.

Well, it appears she has stopped fighting or as I'd like to think of it - she's come to accept that dying isn't necessarily the worst thing that can happen to you. My aunt called my mother this morning to tell her that the hospice nurse believed that my grandmother has only a few days left on this Earth and that anyone who wants to say goodbye needs to do it now.

When I called my mother back she was much calmer and was trying to book a flight out ASAP. She assured me that she was OK and that she would be OK to travel alone. She said that it was the shock of the phone call that really got her this morning, but that she was doing all right now because she had accepted months ago that her mother was probably not going to be with her for much longer; that her mother was suffering from cancer, in pain - physically and emotionally - and that maybe dying wouldn't be the worst thing, for my grandmother anyway. For my mother, of course, it's still traumatic.

She made it back to the state of her birth early this evening and I believe she is probably with my grandmother as I write this. (I hope she is, at least) And I guess I feel kind of strange because my acceptance of my grandmother's impending death came many months ago when I first heard of her cancer's reappearance. The first thoughts I had were - I hope she doesn't suffer; Maybe it would be better if she went quickly before it got too bad; This isn't fair, I mean, once you hit your mid-80's you should get a "free pass" and be assured that you will die, without pain, in your sleep when the time comes.

And today when I heard my mother's voice on the message I assumed at first that my grandmother had, in fact, already passed and I was almost relieved for her. I imagined that she was finally having a peaceful sleep. And as I type that I feel as if maybe I'm being cold. I feel as if I should be crying, if not for my grandmother then at least my mother who is going to be a basket case when my grandmother dies. But I'm not crying. I don't feel like crying.

Is that strange? I love my grandmother very much. To say she is an individual, that she is independent, strong willed and outspoken is an understatement. Although since leaving her home of sixty some odd years so she could be cared for elsewhere, she's been more of a victim.

Is it possible to have accepted some one's death BEFORE they die? I mean, she's old and we all knew she wouldn't live forever. She has cancer and we knew it was going fast. Her death within the year was expected, but is that the same as acceptance?

It wasn't for my grandmother. She hadn't accepted it while she was having her nightmares, but I'd like to think she has now. I'd like to think that she will go peacefully . . . maybe still in her sleep . . . and she won't be afraid . . . and she won't try to fight . . . Because she has suffered enough and I want her to get some rest.

I'm not really sure what all this rambling really means. It's almost 1 a.m. and I just can't sleep right now and when I saw the theme over at MSO this week (I'm not even sure this post applies to the theme at this point), I just immediately thought of my grandmother. She was never the type who baked cookies or read to us, but we always had fun sleeping over at her house. She wasn't big on giving lots of hugs and kisses, but she had this way of saying goodbye to us where she would stand outside and wave with both hands and then raise a leg, bent at the knee, and kick as if her foot was waving as well.

She took me on the "Trip of a Lifetime" where we flew over on the Concorde to London where we spent a few days, then took a train to Paris where we spent a few more days and then we were supposed to fly back to the UK and get on the QE2 back to the States. Unfortunately, back in 1997, our trip was derailed when I had to force her to check into a hospital in Paris because I believed that a pain she had in her shoulder was more than a muscle pull. It was, in fact, a blood clot that was working it's way to her heart. She was in the ICU in Paris for a few days and after about a week or so was finally given permission to fly home. No QE2, no more trips to Europe (or anywhere else for that matter) with her granddaughters . . . It was the beginning, really, of many health problems to come.

I will miss her of course, but it's my own mother and my aunt who I feel the most for. They are about to lose their mother. My only hope is that they can find some comfort in knowing that at least her pain is about to end and I hope that they believe that she did not struggle at the end because she was ready to go. She had not only accepted that it was her time, but she embraced it because she really needed the rest.

I'm Totally Random Today

Well, I've received a request (Yes, a request!) to update the blogosphere about my big move. The reason I haven't talked about it in a little while is because things seemed to have hit a bit of a stall. Repairs that were supposed to get done (by the seller) and issues we had that needed addressing (by the seller) weren't getting addressed. In fact, we weren't getting all "No. No way. Not on your life;" We weren't hearing anything at all.

So my husband and I had been getting very frustrated. People were asking us about getting excited with the closing date coming up and my packing, etc. and all we could do was grit our teeth and try to smile because when it all came down to it, if we didn't get some answers soon we were ready to go look for another house. Don't get me wrong. We LOVE the house we found, but not enough to go into while there were still issues (especially ones that might cost me more money than I have) that needed to be taken care of. With the lack of communication, we had started to feel like we were being played and that maybe there were things wrong with the house other than what we alrady knew and that the sellers were trying to stall until it was too late for us to back out.

Whatever. So I sort of had a bit of a fit over the weekend (via an email to my real estate broker) and wouldn't you know it - the ball is rolling once again. Things are getting done, papers are being signed, repairs are being made . . . Hip, hip, horray!!! It's amazing what a few stern words will do and it appears that it wasn't the sellers at all, but their real estate agent who wasn't communicating with them. From a couple of phone calls we got this morning regarding a few of our "issues" it appears they're actually very agreeable. (Ask me again after I sign the final papers though.)

So we're still on schedule to close in a little less than two weeks (which really means that I should be packing right now instead of blogging, but it isn't the first, or the last, time that I'll be blogging instead of doing something else that requires my attention.) I've been packing, but I guess it's time to go turbo.

My hope has been restored and I am once again excited about moving into my own house! (If I'm lucky I'll never have to do this again!) I'm basking in the sunshine streaming through my window (which won't be mine for much longer!!) and I am giddy with the thought that I just did what was quite possibly one of my last pile of dishes by hand! (Yes, my new digs have a dishwasher and it's been WAY too long since I've had one of those!) I'll say it again - Hip, hip, horray!!!

On another completely random note, I read the January issue of National Geographic last night - AMAZING! INCREDIBLE! FIVE STARS! I had truly forgotten what I'd been missing the last, oh I don't know, 20 years. I remember flipping through it at school as a kid, you can always find a few good pictures to put in your latest collage creation from NG, and since it was such a cheap introductory offer (we're talking a dollar a month!) I figured, at least, the boys would enjoy all the bright photographs.

Well, I don't think the boys have even gotten the chance to look at it yet because their mommy and daddy haven't given them the chance. I mean, the photographs alone are worth having the subscription:

Not to mention the reporting. I read the cover story, Last of the Amazon, last night and it literally blew me away in words and in pictures. The portrait of devastation, of what further devastation would mean not only to the people of Brazil, but to the Earth itself - very, very dramatic.

It's not just the amazing writing or the breathtaking photography, but the wide range of topics covered by the publication - Science, Nature, Travel, Ecology, Culture, History, People (I could go on) - that there's really not much you won't get between the covers. How's this: It's like a passport that takes you anywhere you want to go even if you don't have the financial means to get there phsyically. (OK, now I sound like the advert I got in the mail!)

But it's just that good. I'm so glad we subscribed! Maybe I'll actually get around to letting the kids look at it, but only after I've poured through it several times because I feel like there's so much to it, I want to make sure I don't miss anything.

Now I just have to make sure I change my address with NG . . . and with the bank . . . and I have to call to have the gas turned off . . . I need to go through the boys' closet (I think there are some things in there to bring to The Salvation Army) . . . I need to get a list together for what we're going to need to buy for the new digs . . . I guess I really should be going now :)

Mama Says Om: Uberlist 2007

I found this great website entitled, Mama Says Om, and it's a place where a panel of moms comes up with a weekly prompt to offer up to anybody to post on their own blogs using words, pictures, original artwork, graphics - Whatever! Then they post links to each participants entry and you can go an surf the interpretations of others.

This week's prompt is: uberlist. I needed some assistance to define exactly what an "uberlist" was, but now that I know it's "a big fat list of all you'd like to accomplish in the coming year." So here's mine; My uberlist for 2007:

PERSONAL
1. I WILL write everyday.
2. I WILL read more fiction.
3. I WILL exercise at least three times a week.
4. I WILL find a volunteer activity I can participate in.
5. I WILL go out once a month with my girlfriends.
6. I WILL write the majority of my novel.
7. I WILL speak up when necessary at work.
8. I WILL keep a cleaner house.
9. I WILL learn how to cook at least five meals for my husband.
10. I WILL stop nagging, criticizing, picking on/at and fighting with my husband so much.
11. I WILL be a better listener.
12. I WILL put more focus on personal nutrition.
13. I WILL be less confrontational in my opinions.
14. I WILL make a point to have more discussions with other adults.
15. I WILL have a full physical exam.
16. I WILL find my personal style and buy clothes I feel good about wearing.
17. I WILL finish the kids' baby books.
18. I WILL organize and print photos for albums, frames, etc.
19. I WILL construct a fabulous website for writers, women and mothers.
20. I WILL continue to be politically informed and take the next step to becoming an activist.
21. I WILL write two more short stories.
22. I WILL (maybe) go back to school and NOT quit a few weeks into it.
23. I WILL find my career.
24. I WILL love and laugh more, worry and plan less.
25. I WILL keep up with my letter writing to my sister through Women for Women International.
26. I WILL give blood at least twice (like I keep saying I'm going to!)

FAMILY
27. We WILL go outside to play more often.
27. We WILL turn off the television more.
29. We WILL find a charity we can contribute to as a family.
30. We WILL take a family vacation for just the four of us.
31. We WILL develop a solid bedtime routine that includes everyone sleeping in their own bed.
32. We WILL eat dinner at the table together every evening.
33. We WILL eat less fast food.
34. We WILL meet our new neighbors and form relationships in our neighborhood.
35. We WILL yell less.
36. We WILL spend more time doing family activities (ie. playing games, reading, drawing, etc.)
37. We WILL consume less and have a positive impact on the environment.
38. We WILL create a garden in our backyard.
39. We WILL live by a budget.
40. We WILL start a compost pile.
41. We WILL become more energy efficient.
42. We WILL enjoy the beauty of nature.
43. We WILL slow down and enjoy the little moments we have together.

LOVE & MARRIAGE
44. We WILL spend more quality time together (with the TV turned off).
45. We WILL schedule at least one date night per month.
46. We WILL have a night out with friends once a month.
47. We WILL listen to each other more.
48. We WILL sleep in the same bed more often :)
49. We WILL work as a team and compromise more often.
50. We WILL read a book together and discuss what we've read.
51. We WILL plan for our retirement.
52. We WILL respect and encourage one another in our hopes and dreams as individuals.
53. We WILL stop going to bed angry.
54. We WILL communicate more effectively and talk more.
55. We WILL appreciate one another as the individual spirits that we are.
56. We WILL not try to change one another.
57. We WILL show our love more.
58. We WILL say "I love you," whenever we leave one another.
59. We WILL go on an anniversary getaway this year.

HOME
60. We WILL create the home we always dreamed we would have.
61. We WILL repair the roof.
62. We WILL update the electrical.
63. We WILL paint at least the living room, the dining room and the two bedrooms.
64. We WILL landscape the backyard.
65. We WILL create a more "green" homestead.
66. We WILL use the fireplace for at least one romantic cuddle under a flannel blanket.
67. We WILL not clutter our garage with junk, but let my husband use it as his auto shop ;)
68. We WILL organize this house better than our apartment.
69. We WILL blissfully use our dishwasher.
70. We WILL invite family and friends over for drinks, dinner and good times regularly.
71. We WILL make our house cozy and comfortable for all who enter it.
72. We WILL remember how much we wanted this house when things go wrong.
73. We WILL be grateful that we have the means to pay a mortgage for a home that will take care of us after we retire.

It's a start . . .

Day Twenty Nine: Ups and Downs

I woke up today feeling much better. So did the majority of my family. So after three days of being cooped up indoors, we took a little respite outside after lunch. It was amazing. The sun was out. It wasn't too cold, although I insisted on staying in the sun as much as possible and I did have my hood up. My boys and I played tag and hide and seek and we had races . . . It was truly wonderful just to get some crisp, fresh air into our lungs.

No problems when it was time to go in. No arguments. No back talk (which has been a big problem for about the last week with my four year old.) We went upstairs, had a snack and settled down on the couch. Then about 3 p.m. things started going downhill. Nothing major, mind you. The usual chaos of having two young boys running around an apartment. An apartment above my landlords, by the way, so we try and keep the running and jumping to a minimum. But there is this "magic" hour every evening when they get a second wind of sorts and their energy can no longer be contained.

Tonight was no different and it was the noise more than anything that got to me. Sometimes it feels like a constant ringing in my ears where I can't even think straight. And tonight was one of those nights. No matter how many times I asked them to quiet down; No matter how many times I separated them - they just wouldn't settled down. And I got mad. I felt like I wanted to blow, but thankfully did not. All I wanted was a little quiet. Time to think. Time to just listen to the silence.

I've been home from work for about four weeks now and, as happens every winter, I realize that working for me isn't just about the money. (Although financially it is a necessity for us.) It's about getting some time outside of the house. It's about interacting with other adults. It's about doing something that doesn't include my children. It's about the quiet I experience when I drive to and from work. I enjoy working, even though often times I don't. Does that make any sense?

I finally got my older son to bed and my younger son came out on the couch with me and fell asleep on me as he usually does. While I clicked away looking for something to watch on TV, I happened upon a PBS show about families of soldiers who are deployed in Iraq, many of them several times for more than a year at a time. And as I watched these soldiers talk about their families; talk about missing their children; talk about how hard it was to know that whatever they missed while they were away they were never going to get back; talk about the difficult transition when they come home to reintegrate themselves into their family's routine; talk about their fears that their young children will forget who they are and actually be afraid of them when they come home - I stopped feeling so bad.

I'm one of the lucky ones. Not a revelation for me, but a necessary acknowledgement in my life tonight. I'm lucky that I get to spend time with my children. I'm lucky that they can come to me to make boo boos go away and that I can read stories to them before they fall asleep. I'm lucky to be able to see them everyday of my life, something many divorced parents don't get to do, and as much as I crave quiet and time away and solitude - someday I will miss the noise, the chatter, the wrestling, the back talk; someday I will miss my sons because they will no longer live with me and they will no longer need me in their everyday lives. I'm definitely one of the lucky ones.

I'm reminded of something I read some time ago in a parenting magazine, I believe. It was a quote that went something like this: "Some days feel like they will never end, but the years fly by in an instant." I'll try and keep that in mind . . .

Day Twenty Four: I'm Grateful for it All

No time to write . . . I'm busy "helping" Santa . . . But today I am grateful for all that I have - my family, my friends, my soon to be new home, the fact that I am able to celebrate Christmas by giving my friends and family gifts, the fact that I can't wait to see the look on my kids' faces tomorrow morning when they see the tree all lit up and the candy canes hanging from the branches and the presents under the tree and the letter Santa left thanking them for the yogurt . . .

I'm just grateful to be alive right now, in this moment, because I wouldn't want to be anywhere else even if I had the choice.

Merry Christmas . . . And on Earth, Peace and Goodwill to all living things

Day Nineteen: Happy Birthday to Me!!!

Courtesy of NASA's Astronomy Picture of the Day

Amazing isn't it?

NASA has this great thing on their website, the "Astronomy Picture of the Day," and this is today's photo. The image portrays a cluster of the brightest stars found in space - quite appropriate for my birthday, don't you think? - with new stars forming in the orangish-red gas to the left. Burning bright while witnessing the birth of something new; Quite poetic, I think.

It's been a wonderful day. It started off with kisses and hugs this morning before I was even out of bed from my three boys. I had e-cards waiting for me in my mailbox and an email from Cheryl titled "Bush Bumper Stickers." Totally made me laugh and I must share a few of my favorites here:

That's OK I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway

Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.

America: One Nation, Under Surveillance

Cheney/Satan '08

Jail to the Chief

Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full of Crap

Bush Doesn't Care About White People Either

What Part of "Bush Lied" Don't You Understand?

2004: Embarrassed; 2005: Horrified; 2006: Terrified

At Least Nixon Resigned

Today I am also grateful for:

• My husband who regularly uses words like "megalomaniac"
• My four year old's preschool holiday show. It was adorable. Lots of music, some crying (not from my son thank goodness) and so much cuteness I thought my heart might burst right there in the school cafeteria/auditorium
• Hebert's Candy Mansion which I visited today and bought some sinfully delicious white chocolate
• My sister Julie who sent me a link to the song "Happy Birthday" by New Kids on the Block (before they tried to go street and became NKOTB). My older son decided it was the perfect song to slow dance with his mother to and, again, my heart was near bursting. Then at the end of the song he cupped my face in his hands and said with one of the most endearing smiles I've ever seen, "I love you, Mommy."
• My family who came over tonight to share in a plate of spaghetti and meat sauce and some good old birthday cake.
• My husband - again - for making such a delicious meal and for doing the dishes afterward and for making this such a wonderful birthday day.

Yes, I am one of the lucky ones and it's days like these that make me wonder how I got so lucky :)

Day Sixteen: My Holiday Card to You

Wishing you a safe and happy holiday season. While you enjoy your time and the exchange of gifts with family and friends, please take a moment to remember those that do not have the means to celebrate the holidays so extravagantly.

Also remember those that will not live to see another day because they do not have the means to provide for their, or their children's, survival.

Then go one step further and don't just think about it - do something.

Share your wealth.

P.S. I had a hard time thinking of something I was grateful for today. My younger son and I have been battling the awful cold that my older son had last week. Instead of sounding like he has rocks in his chest, his nose runs like a faucet and in my case it's my ears that hurt the most.

Anyway, I realized that I have so very much to be thankful for and I wanted you guys to realize it, too. Not everyday is a bright one, but anyone reading this right now is probably much better off than the majority of the world's population.

Oh, and it helped when I read this comment on yesterday's post: "You were nominated several times and now we see why. Your site has won a Blog of the Day Award."

I'm not sure who nominated me, but thank you whoever you are. And it was a bit of an ego boost to know that not only are there people out there reading (and not just my close friends who are sweet enough to encourage this ego trip of mine), but that there are people out there who like what they're reading!

And best of all, look what I got:

You know how I love the widgets!!!

Day Fourteen: Christmas Shopping - Check!

I'm cutting it close tonight. As you can see, I've got less than an hour to get this post online. Good thing it's a short one :)

Tonight I am grateful for my sister. We went Christmas shopping tonight (and to get our haircut) and, as is always the case with us, we had a great time! Lots of laughs, lots of good presents, more laughs . . . And we topped it off with a good old McDonald's meal, eating while we sat in the dimly lit parking lot at 9:45 at night because we hadn't gotten a chance to eat before then. (I had a great vanilla shake that I will probably dream about it was so good.)

So now it's time to start wrapping. I can't believe Christmas is a little over a week away! I can't wait! I think we're going to try and see Santa tomorrow with the boys. My four year old is afraid that if we don't go see Santa soon then Santa won't know what he wants for Christmas, and that by the time he finds out the elves may have run out of the parts they need to make his toys. Oh, to have the mind of a child!!

Oh, and one more thing. I forgot to mention the other day that my husband had (finally) successfully installed my new stereo speakers in my car. They sound phenomenal, my driver's side door lock works once again - and all is right with my world.

Happy Holidays!!!

Day Seven: Pretending to Be a Porsche

It was a rather quiet day today. Nothing special to report, but of course I must fulfill my daily recognition of gratitude - so here goes.

First of all, I'm thankful that I wasn't the woman driving the grey Nissan something or other (my husband would be so disappointed that I didn't get the make and model) when the woman in the grey minivan backed out of her parking space either, a.) without looking or b.) just not noticing said Nissan in the Toys R Us parking lot. Instead, I had a front row seat as I came out of the store and the minivan backed right into the Nissan - the plastic bumper on metal door (taking with it some nice paint) made me and the other half dozen or so people in the parking lot cringe. I'm glad I wasn't that woman in the Nissan or the one driving for that matter.

I'm also grateful that three days ago I had hardly done any Christmas shopping and now all I have left is to shop for a few adults and I'm done!! That's right. A couple of power shopping trips and I am nearly finished. And what I do have left to buy I already know what I want to get - so easy peasey.

I got a chance to talk to my sister today - the one who lives far away in Florida. She sounded lonely and said she was missing home. Oops, I wasn't supposed to tell anyone that :) But who wouldn't miss home at this time of year? After all, she was telling me it was like 80 degrees there today - not exactly Christmas-like weather. I wish she could come visit. Christmas is great around these parts and with every passing day I get more and more excited. Maybe that will be my Christmas wish for 2007.

I also got to talk to Ms. Kookabura tonight. It had been a while and it was so great just to hear her voice (even though she is getting a bit of a cross between a Midwest/New England/Canadian accent going. She'll kill me for even insinuating such a thing, but it's true, Cherlito!!) Her dad is doing much better after his heart attack and has begun his recovery with a bang - no more smoking and he's giving up the junk food; It was vegetable something for dinner last night. I was paying attention mind you, but I have no idea what the dish entailed seeing as how my favorite foods are Mac 'n Cheese (from the box) and french fries. He said it was all right though, so maybe I should change my own poor menu choices . . . Nah! Who am I kidding? But it's good news for her dad :)

I'm also grateful for the time my four year old and I got to play together while my little one was taking his afternoon nap. We played "Cars" - yes that's pretend play based on the Disney movie "Cars." I was assigned the role of Sally, the electric blue Porsche who is also the female lead and I probably got the part simply because I'm a girl, too.

Anyway, we're playing and pretending when the subject changes to villains. My four year old picks up another action figure (something I believe he got in a McDonald's Happy Meal) and tells me that this villain is the most evil villain ever. He tells me that this guy is the worst villain in the universe and that he's even meaner than, gulp, GEORGE BUSH!!!

No!! Anything but that!!!

So not only am I grateful for playtime, but for yet another confirmation that my kids actually listen to me and they are quite possibly the smartest kids on the planet :)

Today When You Sit at Your Thanksgiving Table

As we celebrate Thanksgiving Day here in the U.S., the folks over at Oxfam are requesting that those of us who have a feast to sit down to today take a minute to think about those who do not.

Oxfam has a campaign called "The Hunger Banquet" which is a program often run by colleges or high schools in their cafeterias, but can be used today in your own home to illustrate the expanse of world hunger. Here's what you do: (this scenario is based on a meal for 20 - Hopefully you can do the math and adjust to how many people you will have at your table today.)

"If 20 people sit down at your table, representing the world's population, three would get a gourmet meal, five would get rice and beans, and 12 would receive a small portion of rice . . . as you eat your meal, unlike the real world, you see what's on everyone else's plate."

My suggestion would be to put the appropriate amount of food on each person's plate and then explain what you are representing. And if you don't want to do a physical representation, at least bring attention to this scenario which will not only make people more aware, but make us all more thankful for all that we have this holiday.

I wish you all a happy and safe Thanksgiving with family and friends. And while it's easy to get caught up in all the fanfare, take a moment to acknowledge the millions of people who will eat very little food today and especially those who will go to sleep tonight without having any. Think about how you might make next year different for them.

Today I Became Less Ignorant

I read Cheryl's blog today and was moved by her personal story of the women in her family and their struggle with Lupus. Apparently, October is not only Breast Cancer Awareness month, but Lupus Awareness month, as well. Cheryl has taken it upon herself to make sure that more of us become educated.

So I have taken her words to heart and spent some of my day reading up at the Lupus Foundation of America because I know very little about the condition. It's a dibilitating disease and not only do those who suffer deserve our compassion, but they deserve our support.

So hop on over to Cheryl's post - her heartfelt words will move you to action much better than I ever could.